one little thing

Remember this, the love you have for your children is n indication of how God feels for you.

bit by bit, eh

I a fed up with this dieting crap. I was desperate last year at this time, but all records show I was under 150lbs. I was what is commonly referred to as underweight. I am now securely at 165lbs after frantically trying one thing after another always being convinced I have found the Holy Grail or something. I have, against my instinct, decided that I need to stick to this intermittent fasting because it cannot be ruled out yet, though I feel excessively overweight, but most importantly, over sized. I am comfortably a size 10 though, which is medium, but I do not like the way it looks. Maybe it is because I am used to seeing an unhealthy little me. I could actually do something to make what I am look nice, instead I frett that I am an ugly duckling ( size 4 makes me look fat! ).

My balance is markedly improving according to my balance board, and the wii fit always predicts my body age at anywhere from 18 to 36. I think such improvement comes from staying the same weight for so long ( intermittent fasting ) I believe my comfort spot is at 160 to 165 and I have stayed that weight for over 6 months.

  I noticed that my piano has also improved due to practice,  still I rewrite a whole lot. Today, I decided to force myself to play uncomfortable pieces and then, again, I remembered that I ought to play my Hannon exercises until I am blue in the face. They actually led to improvement before, it is not dramatic improvement, but rather bit by teensy teensy bit. Still, if improvement is possible I want to achieve it, plus, Heavenly Father said I could accomplish anything I set my mind to.. and this was my greatest talent, so I have that vote, and really that ought to be all that matters. It may be gradual, but ultimately mastery will come...uh, and I believe the weight gurus though they may be well-meaning, my mother was correct, that ultimately, I must forge my own path, and something whispers eat as much as you can and then run, it is what you were designed to do. The hindrance being, I cannot run. I ran a road race and all, despite being hurt while doing so.

I will complete my 12 weeks with Mt new routine before I write it off. Seriously, when experts talk, it makes sense, but when I measured (quanitfied) myself, the results did not match. But, I tried to adjust to make myself equal what they said was suppose to happen. Instead, I ought to have realize it was wrong for me, so stop listening.  When I was hospitalized, the medical doctors did not say, " it is likely you will not overcome this, the odds are against you." They told me, scientifically, you will not survive. But I did. " ok, ok, but you certainly will never walk again." But, I did. So, obviously, my body does not follow their rule book. I ought to have realized that by now. I easily ignore comments Nick makes, and now I concluded the same thing, and have sadly found out it did not work. Well, duh, I pretty much decided it would not work long ago when Nick told me I needed more water...whatever. I did have symptoms of dehydration, but it was not caused by hydration.

Man, I did not mean to get stuck dwelling on fitness. But, popular thing are things that tell you there is an easy way. I fell prey because I knew that fasting works for my body...leaches do not, BTW. (laugh)so, the easier version in theory works just much slower. I am mid-theory so I need to stick it out.

I decided, and it may be wrong. That my metabolism has adjusted to my new fasting routine, and settled me into a 165lb me. My new plan is not a OMAD but still a 20/4 plan with two windows, and I skip lunch. So , I go 10, 1 hour for breakfast ( high in protein ), then 10 hours and 3 hours for dinner with my family. I would really like to start walking after dinner, but no one wants to do that.

Anyhow, I will update next year sometime regarding the Hannon Studies.

not the whole thought - Surnames

I got to thinking about surnames. I always thought I understood the sacrament better because of how when we are married we take our husband's name upon us. But, actually, this was and is not done in many countries. I suspect it was a Christian practice because of taking His name upon us, and in the Bible He being likened unto a bridegroom. I think I got it backwards. We as women, take a surname upon us as a tribute or replication in microcosm of the act of taking Christ's name upon us.

A bit

This is a bit that will be included in an entire work later, but I wanted to record this bit before I forget it. So, what I just said is that this is a short snipet of a full book that I intend to write in the future.

As a young woman husband shopping is a lot like window shopping. When you see what you want you will know, but if that doesn't work, you start making lists thinking you are fortunate to have not met Mr. Right in high school anyway, cause you are so much wiser. You find your list man and realize lists are foolish and toss it.

Then after divorce, now you know better what to look for. After you try window shopping again and realize you are much older and don't want to be seen as a cougar, but attraction is important, now you know by trial that you must find a good combination of both(the book and the cover. The book is reflected on the cover usually) But, nope that wasn't it. You do not want your daughter to know. You want her to live happily with the idea that you are in a happy healthy relationship, but of course you like the facade of knowing best.

So, you advise your daughter to look for the one that will be easiest to clean up after, cause let's face it a very smart and sexy guy is going to be at work most of the time while you are stuck cleaning up, and living in squalor is not always about money. Good advice, no? Well, face it, she isn't going to hear anything but, blah blah blah smart and sexy guy blah blah blah... And she will think back and wonder why you were so concerned with her finding a smart sexy guy when she is perfectly happy with the plumber's boy who is neither, but their toilets always work!

Dig deep

Growing up I asked about the cute little flags you would occasionally see next to the sidewalk. They would look great on a bike, but they were placed for a reason, I was told they were a reminder not to dig too deep because there was something dangerous below.

Still waters run deep. To even take a sip a whole lot of digging is required.

Final Fantasy 7 Crisis Core there is talk of wind being invisible until it disturbs the water. I think, and the.fish are oblivious to our atmospheric changes sort of. Isn't there a.similitude about being safe and oblivious underground.

I cannot shake a suggestion not even made to me personally, but that only those truly worthy and willing to dig deep enough will find the truth. Or in other words via x-files the truth is out there. But, I am not deserving of it.

I think that truly great minds contemplate issues that lead them to truths. Such truths give a sudden burst of electricity, one like those little flags warned not to dig right there. Anyway, those great minds discover something that for some reason I cannot comfrehwnd and I feel like I must not be digging deep enough. I must not deserve to know, or be shocked.

I ought to be thankful the idea of being shocked doesn't sound comfortable, but I really feel excluded because so many of the desirable thoughts came to other minds in a different way.

Like John Nash on a Beautiful Mind his mind is the trouble so he cannot use it to solve the problem. I now, finally understand that true beauty is not having big boobs, but great thoughts. I'd rather dazzle with ideas than appearance, but any that I would like to impress would never be on,my level so to speak. I have been forsaken and find it hard to be thankful.

I missed the mark. I dug just as deeply, doing all the heaving and laborious work, but nothing. I just don't get it. It is called a blessing by so many. If I named this state I'd call it ignorance.

Fish conversation

I am going to write a story about a newlywed couple. The woman is feeling down and so her husband tries to cheer her up with new companions. Fish. Betas, actually. Then for entertainment they decide to give the fish voices, and it is through realizing how ignorantly trapped the fish is, though it is in a better situation than most bettas, she realizes that the fish is really giving voice to her hidden feelings. There is going to be a scene where she tells her friend of the odd gift and her friend brings unconsidered truths to mind about how awesome the gift of a living thing is. Now, she sees more than simply how cruel it is to restrict a living thing, and she names and lovingly refers to them as her babies.

The husband while speaking for the fish professes once again his undying love, and naturally begins singing, a fish song! How fishy! :)

Jail scene

Where the heck is this coming from? I wanted to spend a little time fleshing out this story, but my mind is preoccupied with a scene of a brother who is imprisoned and his sister goes to visit him. Until I write this out, nothing else will come to me.

One other thing, sort of a side-note, is this interview I saw of Morrissey where he was asked about his creative process. He explained that he was not so intelligent or witty and not the mastermind, but rather the tool (my words not his) and things just fell into place.